Whatever…

So I’ve had no choice but to get a second job to be able to keep up financially. I am on day 10 of 14 days straight and I really, really don’t want to go in to work anymore. I’m constantly tired, over sleeping and have a pretty bad memory since I’m forgetting stuff a lot. I don’t know what to do. I requested 4 days off from August 12-15th to go to a Stag ‘n Doe in Sudbury for my best friends brother and I ended up only getting two scheduled work days out of that entire week. What the hell is that?! 12.5 hours?! Just because I have another job doesn’t mean I want a pissy amount of hours at my “main job”. I want to work more there than at Tim Hortons.  I seriously don’t know what to do. I’m utterly lost and just fucking out of it. I have one day off among this parade of scheduled work days and that doesn’t show up for another 4-5 days yet. I then work at least another 3 in a row, if not more, depending on what Tim Hortons schedules me on my days off from Walmart. I need the money, I have no qualms about that but goddamn it, I’m tired of my “main job” being so fucking retarded.

I fight with my boss, I get another job, I still fucking get shafted with hours, I hope this will be the best decision I made because I’m seriously pushing myself to continue on. I really don’t want to do this anymore. I want to quit both jobs and just stop.

Welcome to…

Ehn, I woke up (for a second time since the first was at 7:15am due to a Thunder Storm) feeling like crap or rather, just moody. I have two jobs now and it doesn’t feel like I’m achieving any of the goals I thought I would be. Actually, I’m spending MORE money than I ever did and I can’t keep up and well, it’s very rarely on myself. I went out for lunch, a movie and that’s about it. I’m even trying to not buy food while out if I can help it. Ugh. I don’t know what to do but I think I should just start taking out $100 and hope that lasts me a week, giving my card to my Mom so I don’t go spending ridiculous amounts.

I work very little at Walmart though this week was more due to my mistakenly reading someone else’s schedule instead of my own. I guess that’s one of the things making me paranoid; my Boss. We had our little “talk” but part of me is still on edge all the time because of the little things, expecting to hear my name being paged over the P.A. system in the store to go to the office. Fuck this is retarded. My stress levels just sky-rocketed merely by thinking about that. I work at 2:30 at Tim Hortons. I get more and more depressed the closer it comes to my having to leave my house to go to work. I’m even trying to be more social but perhaps that’s my own downfall there too. The more I go out the more money I seem to be spending. I think I’m going to have to start passing on being social just to get myself to stand up straight on my own a little more, financially.

Well, guess I should do some stuff before I have to rush to leave.

Life’s a Beach

So lately I’ve been far more popular than expected, which is a nice change but not so much on my pocket book. Anyway, with having two jobs now I have less and less of my free time available. It’s been years since I’ve been this active; elementary school was the last time I think.

I haven’t received full time a Tim Hortons yet which is a touch annoying so I’ll have to ask about that too.

Gotta go to work soon! Need to make supper.

One step at a time…

I really hope things have finally settled themselves out and that things are going to be for the better seeing that the past few months haven’t exactly benefited me in any major way.

I managed to find myself a second job (finally) at Tim Hortons which is pretty cool. I get to work with a co-workers (Amanda from Wal-mart) Mom (Therese) at the same store which is nice; always good to see a friendly, familiar face. What else? I’m awfully tired lately and not entirely sure why. I woke up fairly early this morning (around 1:30AM) to the huge, unnerving nausea. It appeared once again around 9:30AM when I woke up again. I decided to lay down for a few hours in hopes that things would settle and go away. I haven’t really been in the mood to post on here for the sheer fact that I don’t have anything all that exciting to talk about.

What else? I’ve been reading up on some astrology and a few things that have crept up are pretty interesting in the means of how Aquarians view relationships, sexual relationships and the like. Made me kinda laugh as to how deadly close it was in reference to me.

Anyway, I have to get my stuff together, early morning.

Super Bass

OK, so I haven’t posted on here in quite some time simply because I haven’t had the damn urge to even bother. Life for me is still going on its usual up-down run of good but usually shitty experiences. 6 months of hell and last month another occurrence happened. I went out on a Friday morning to go get my haircut, drop off resumes and whatnot. No sooner did I leave the house apparently, my cat Friday got hit by a car and died. Poor guy wasn’t even two years old yet. What the hell is going on with my life, really? I don’t get it. Why am I getting all these things happening to me month-to-month? Where the fuck is this justification?

Anyway, I managed to sort out one issue I’ve been having with my boss, Eric. We don’t get along, at least, used to until I finally got fed up and approached the store manager about the situations that have been going on while at work. I won’t go in to super detail but so far it has hopefully been solved and dealt with but that has yet to be fully seen. One can only hope SOMETHING positive will happen this year, right? Well, that’s all I have to say right now. Tomorrow night I’m apparently going to “the Boat” in North Bay with a few co-workers. I don’t really feel like drinking, I have to drive home and I can’t exactly afford the booze money right now. Ehn, I’ll pass drinking and just show up for showing up.

Off I go!

May Two-Four

OK, so I was originally going to grow a pair and drive to my aunts place in the GTA but due to 1) gas being 149.5/Litre up here and 2) people are bat-shit insane and I don’t intend on getting my car destroyed by some dumb ass again, I’ll take the bus. A return ticket is approx. $130 which isn’t so bad really considering that a full tank of gas for my vehicle at the current gas price is about $50/tank.

Anyway, my “itinerary” for those 8 days is to visit my family, take lots and lots of pictures with my camera in hopes to get a few new shots. I also want to go bar-hopping with my Uncle as well as the hours-upon-hours of conversation I have with him.

Good times. Back to some of the most fond memories I had while in Toronto

Danger Zone

I decided due to a much needed break from my “world” in North Bay to travel to Sudbury for a few days so that I can accomplish something in my life (surprise?). I’m attempting to go back to school or at least, I’d like to go back to school. Laurentian isn’t really a campus I’d like to attend and I’ve already attended Cambrian and wasn’t exactly impressed with what I got. So where does that leave me? Fanshawe in London, ON. Anyway, I’ve been here since Sunday evening and have been lounging around my friends house for the most part surprisingly not spending 80% of my paycheck. Spent most of yesterday and today watching both seasons of Archer and completing it (so far) only a few hours ago.

Not sure what I should accomplish tomorrow before I make the two hour drive back home. Perhaps I’ll go visit the old man and my brother before I leave, not sure yet. My life right now is pretty hectic again and I’d like it to go back to normal for longer than a mere two weeks. Unfortunately, hectic isn’t in the most positive of contexts either. Not going to get in to detail about it right now mind you. Ehn, not even sure why I bother posting to this when I’m pretty much the only one who even reads it.

Where to go from here..

It’s funny how I look through old posts I’ve made on my LiveJournal account and realise how I’ve been dwelling on things in the past. 2005 was 6 years ago now and things haven’t changed between my father and I. I went through the issue of missing my Dad and wanting things to go back, then hatred for the nonsense he put and continues to put me through. I hate hiding in the shadows and pretending everything is “okay”.

I’ve not said anything to my Dad about this situation for almost 10 years. Minor things slip out here and there but otherwise, nothing fully has been divulged. Why? I don’t know how to explain it to my Dad. It bothers my Mom that I have yet to say and discuss it with him. I wish someone really knew and would tell him for me. I can’t grow up because of it. I’m so fearful of being in a relationship again. Not because I don’t want to, or because I’m afraid of being hurt, I’m just afraid. I don’t want someone to use me again, I don’t want my self-esteem to be stepped on. What I want in a person is apparently unattainable or at least, incredibly hard to come by. I wish I wasn’t so messed up.

When you get told by someone you’re trying to befriend “Quit looking at me” my heart stops for a sec0nd. I feel left out due to the age already, I have nothing in common with people 5 years younger than me. I know it’s not a large age gap but it’s a gap none-the-less. I’m so sensitive to other people as much as I come off as a head-strong person. Funny enough, I’m quite the opposite. I try to come off that way so no one tries to test me. I’m only upset like this now due to the over-flow of emotions (lady reasons) but it’s true.

My brother doesn’t talk to me, he’s off in his own lifestyle. My Dad doesn’t talk to me, won’t help me or even attempt to be a parent; I’m 26 – don’t need a father I guess. I always feel like I’m putting a burden on my Mom for being here. She moved here without the intention of my living here again.  Ever since I moved from my first home, it all came crashing down on me. Fuck my reality is messed up. I don’t get phone calls anymore, my friends don’t come to me to visit, I always have to go to them – not really friends sometimes it seems. I want to move out, I want to progress in my life, I want an education, I want a home, perhaps a family but when you can’t even see yourself ever getting married well, that should say something right? I’ve never pictured myself being married for I’ve never really had relationships. Fuck. I’ve never been on a date – at least, not to my knowledge. I haven’t experienced all the things I should have typically as a teenager. Instead, I got harassed, teased, and abused by not only my peers but my teachers and co-workers. Why do I attract such things? It’s strange.

“I’m different!”

So the past month has been somewhat eventful. As a bit of a lark I applied to Stats Canada to be a Census taker thinking it wouldn’t really go much farther than the quiz/application that I did online. OK, so I was wrong about that.

1) I’ve already done the 30 minute test
2) I just did the 20 minute phone interview

Seems by the end of the month I may have a temporary second job to give me a bit of extra coin; can’t complain. What else? I have a car again. I probably mentioned this once already but it’s a 2002 Saturn S-Series (LS1) that’s “Tron Blue” as I call it. It’s a metallic blue/silver. I decided to give it a “name” and it’s called Kronos. Not much for strength motor wise but it gets me where I want to go. Also a bit of a joke upon the fact it’s made by Saturn and Cronos (Greek I believe) is one of the gods dealing with that planet (inorite?). Anyway, yesterday annoyed me a bit. It started out nice, I went for lunch with a few people (Sushi!!) and then headed home. I got home for about 4-4:30 and was oddly tired so I gave in and attempted to have a nap. No sooner did I start to fall asleep I get a phone call; it’s from work and it’s my boss, Eric.

Eric: “Hey Crystal, how are you?”
Me: “Fine thanks, what’s up?”
Eric: “Feeling sick today?”
Me: “… No, I’m fine, why?”
Eric: “Did you forget you’re suppose to work today?”
Me: “No. It’s my day off. I’m not scheduled to be in”
Eric: “Are you sure? You’re marked down here to be here for 3PM”
Me: “Really, that’s news to me. I don’t remember taking any shifts for today”
Eric: “Well someone wrote you down to work 3-11PM and it’s not my hand writing”
Me: “OK well I never saw that. If I agreed to it I would’ve initialled it stating as such and I wouldn’t be here at home. Wait. Is that written in pencil?”
Eric: “Yeah”
Me: “Yeah, that’s Denis (my Supervisor) who did that. He must’ve put it there and never told me”
Eric: “Oh well can you come in?”
Me: “I suppose so if you need me”

Anyway, I get to work for about 6PM and I’m boxing up movies to be sent back to the vendors only to see Andre (co-worker) walk in to the department at 7PM. I raged. Not only was I already in North Bay once, I had to double back and be in there again and for no reason. I ended up being there from 6-9PM and just went home. I calmed down after venting but I get pissed off by the utter disorganization I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis there and then I get in to shit over stupidity.

Yeah, so now I’m at home, I need to eat breakfast, I have to vacuum out the sunroom and my cat decided to rampage in the basement and knock over a bottle of juice, throwing juice all over the basement stairs and floor. Fun way to get woken up when you hear your name being yelled at the top of their lungs. Good thing I kinda went to bed early last night though I’m still groggy.

Stalker Qualities

Goddamn teenagers! Gah! Who the hell goes and fucking stalks a person for several hours and then follows them with a fucking CAMERA as they leave work?! SERIOUSLY?! lol Yeah, they were following Adam (a co-worker of mine) around since Friday (April 1st) and the next day as we walked out of the store (I gave him a ride home) one girl had a fucking CAMERA out and was trying to sneak pictures of him like a paparazzi.

So I got pissed off and said “OK, can you seriously just stop now? You’re harassing him and starting to piss me off”. All I got was “N-no, I wasn’t doing anything”. I just got angry and said “Yeah, you were and if you don’t stop I’m calling security and then the police. Get lost”. They were literally following him and waiting for him to leave work. Seriously? That’s fucking stalking. Oh my god. Rage! *laughs* Anyway, I felt better after that because what the hell!? There’s a difference between admiration, affection and then full-blown stalker. They were apparently waiting for him to finish work on Friday as he went to go catch a cab home. Fucking creepy! They were about 15 years old and one was a guy who gave him (Adam) his phone number. Yeah, ballsy but y’know what? Waiting for someone the ENTIRE day do you not have something else to do with your time; obviously not!