Unforgiven II

Recurring Dreams

So, I keep having this one dream that involves a former person I went to school with (College specifically). His name is Adam, and I liked him quite a bit. We lost touch after I had moved to Oshawa and everything else, couldn’t find him until one day, I found him again.

Anyway, things happened, we both had split up with our relationships and we connected; probably out of loneliness since it was such a short time between breakups and everything. To cut this short, he wanted to sleep with me, and I him but, I was too scared and worried I’d fall in love with him because I know how emotionally attached I can get. We stopped talking for a bit, or rather, he stopped talking to me and then one day, told me that his girlfriend didn’t want me speaking to him. I didn’t know he had found one and was really upset.

Adam, to me, was someone that fit the “bill” for someone I was interested in. Handsome, funny, artistic, smart and independent. I guess I did fall for him after all because I keep having these dreams that always involve him. I do miss him, and I wish things worked out differently but, I figured I was over it so, when these dreams started I was really, really confused.

Dental Dilemmas

At 1:50PM I’m to go to the dentist to get 3-out-of-4 cavities filled. Not really looking forward to it, more so due to the fact that the mass majority of these cavities are on my front teeth, visible to everyone, or I hope at least not in this case. Ugh. $300+ just for this and it’s depressing. I have benefits but, I have bills too and the last time my “benefits” didn’t work and they had to mail them in. I called to make sure but of course, it’s not their fault but the dental offices.

Anyway, I need a shower. Wish me luck.

27 years

So, I haven’t posted in some time due to my misplacing my password and really having nothing to really write about. So what’s new with me?

1) Got another tattoo on my right leg of a tribal-inspired owl that’s representing my Mom
2) It’s going to be my 27th birthday on Feb 9th
3) I have benefits and a full-time job now

Nothing else has really changed otherwise. I’m still single, kinda wanting to get back in to the swing of things but, not entirely sure where to even begin so I guess I’ll just wait and see what happens, if anything. I’m trying to live my life more positively though, financially I’m still struggling a bit. It has a lot to do with my catching up on bills because of Christmas really.

Wait. Where would you even go to look for a relationship anyway? I know I’m straying back to my original topic (sorta) but really, where? I tried the online thing and that’s a load of garbage; nothing but immature, sex-deprived morons on there. I don’t really have anyone at work to look at since I’m one of the eldest working there (for the most part on afternoons). Even some of the customers aren’t half-bad but, I can’t say or do anything while working unless they do and I don’t exactly get approached either. Eh, I’ll worry about other things I guess.

So yeah, just an update.

Over-Sleeping Sucks

So, not much, as per the usual, is really that new with me. I am working steadily, starting to get an income that I’m actually keeping for once and I actually drove “by myself” to Toronto, for the first time, this weekend. My BFF came with me and I initially followed my Mom there and drove back with assistance from my step-Dad’s GPS. Haha, the thing is a little wonky but, I know for a fact I wouldn’t be driving down that way too often, solo.

I’m supposed to be going back to Sudbury again this Friday for a Halloween/Birthday party but, due to my finances wearing thin and my trying to actually KEEP money instead of blasting through it like I usually do, I may pass on the idea. I have to fill my car up with gas again in the next two days; it takes 1/4 of gas to get me to/from work per day. That’s another thing I’m having problems with. I’m looking on ads on Kijiji for apartments and responding to them the way they ask but, they don’t respond back. What the hell? The least you could do was tell me they weren’t available. Ugh. North Bay is so fucked up sometimes.

It’s not like I hate living at home with my Mom but, I’d like to go out on my own and have my own independence again. Anyway, it’s already just past Noon and I have to get dressed, make a lunch and eat one. Ugh. I got to stop waking up so late in the morning. Stupid body doesn’t want to get up until 11AM and even then I’m struggling – wtf?

Objects in the Mirror are not as Young as they Appear

So, I’ve come to a few conclusions about why I seem to be single for so long and why I’ve had such infrequent amounts of relationships with men. 1) If you visually look at me (without prior knowledge of my age of course) I would almost guarantee “you” wouldn’t realise I was pushing 30, 2) my voice does not help matters because it’s higher than usual (I think anyway) than most and 3) my stature, being 5’1”, makes me the size of an adolescent. I can’t win! Most men my age think I’m a lot younger and I know that’s not my imagination and it’s pretty frustrating at times. Sure, no complaints about looking younger per say but, doesn’t entirely benefit me either.

On Tuesday, while going to a scrap yard with a co-worker (former) and friend since she had some photography homework to deal with, I found a little kitten hiding away in one of the damaged vehicles; poor thing. I was so shocked to see the little puff-ball just meowing there and it pulled at my heart-strings. Luckily, he’s residing at a friends place being taken care of so I’m glad he’s okay and I managed (with her help) to save him.

This is the li’l guy. His face was all dirty from eating *laughs* so cute. Anyway, that was my adventure so far.

Just a Quickie…

I have to run really quickly due to having to leave for work in 20 minutes. Not much is really new with me for the few who actually PAY attention to this account. I’ve been trying to get back in to the swing of things, save up my money and become a responsible adult. Weird, I never really saw myself as an “adult” per say since my mind is always on childish things; well, I think they’re childish. Anyway, I opened up an RRSP with my bank which was a bid step and I had no idea how beneficial it would be for me and I’m excited!

Uh, what else? Nothing really. I’m still single and it’ll be about 3 years in January since my last relationship. I’m actually okay with that – I think – not really sure how I view it because the subject is just so weird to me. I feel like I’ve reverted back to being a teenager and I’m FAR more picky than I ever was. Oh well, I think I’m allowed thank you! *Laughs*

OK. Gotta run and get ready for work! Wee!

Fuck

So, I decided to drive to Sudbury to attend a Stag ‘n Doe for my BFF’s brother. In the end I blew a good $60 at the bar, got drunk, and generally enjoyed myself. Bonus right? No. I’m now borrowing $5 from my VISA to pay bills because I’m not even sure I’ll be getting a paycheck from Tim Hortons this Friday due to not being there for over a week now. Ugh. It’s official. I am absolutely bad with my money. Period. I’m going to start leaving my bank card at home, my VISA as well, and any other source of incoming that I can obtain, at home.

Oh yeah, I have two jobs. Not sure if I mentioned that but, I fucking hate it. I work 12-14 days in a row and I’m not advancing anywhere. Why? Because of the fact I suck with money and have no qualms in blowing it on food and shit due to laziness. What’s funny is that I’m fully aware of doing it and yet, I still do it. Hopefully, once September rolls around, I can get myself back in gear but, I desperately need some kind of control put on me by someone else because I clearly have no restraint when solo.

Anyway, I wish I had something positive to say right now but, I don’t. I had to struggle to force myself out of bed 3 times today merely because I just don’t want to work though, obviously, I really, really do need to. I think I should start whoring myself out or dealing drugs to get some kind of large, cash flow because I’m just getting fed up.

Whatever…

So I’ve had no choice but to get a second job to be able to keep up financially. I am on day 10 of 14 days straight and I really, really don’t want to go in to work anymore. I’m constantly tired, over sleeping and have a pretty bad memory since I’m forgetting stuff a lot. I don’t know what to do. I requested 4 days off from August 12-15th to go to a Stag ‘n Doe in Sudbury for my best friends brother and I ended up only getting two scheduled work days out of that entire week. What the hell is that?! 12.5 hours?! Just because I have another job doesn’t mean I want a pissy amount of hours at my “main job”. I want to work more there than at Tim Hortons.  I seriously don’t know what to do. I’m utterly lost and just fucking out of it. I have one day off among this parade of scheduled work days and that doesn’t show up for another 4-5 days yet. I then work at least another 3 in a row, if not more, depending on what Tim Hortons schedules me on my days off from Walmart. I need the money, I have no qualms about that but goddamn it, I’m tired of my “main job” being so fucking retarded.

I fight with my boss, I get another job, I still fucking get shafted with hours, I hope this will be the best decision I made because I’m seriously pushing myself to continue on. I really don’t want to do this anymore. I want to quit both jobs and just stop.

Welcome to…

Ehn, I woke up (for a second time since the first was at 7:15am due to a Thunder Storm) feeling like crap or rather, just moody. I have two jobs now and it doesn’t feel like I’m achieving any of the goals I thought I would be. Actually, I’m spending MORE money than I ever did and I can’t keep up and well, it’s very rarely on myself. I went out for lunch, a movie and that’s about it. I’m even trying to not buy food while out if I can help it. Ugh. I don’t know what to do but I think I should just start taking out $100 and hope that lasts me a week, giving my card to my Mom so I don’t go spending ridiculous amounts.

I work very little at Walmart though this week was more due to my mistakenly reading someone else’s schedule instead of my own. I guess that’s one of the things making me paranoid; my Boss. We had our little “talk” but part of me is still on edge all the time because of the little things, expecting to hear my name being paged over the P.A. system in the store to go to the office. Fuck this is retarded. My stress levels just sky-rocketed merely by thinking about that. I work at 2:30 at Tim Hortons. I get more and more depressed the closer it comes to my having to leave my house to go to work. I’m even trying to be more social but perhaps that’s my own downfall there too. The more I go out the more money I seem to be spending. I think I’m going to have to start passing on being social just to get myself to stand up straight on my own a little more, financially.

Well, guess I should do some stuff before I have to rush to leave.

Life’s a Beach

So lately I’ve been far more popular than expected, which is a nice change but not so much on my pocket book. Anyway, with having two jobs now I have less and less of my free time available. It’s been years since I’ve been this active; elementary school was the last time I think.

I haven’t received full time a Tim Hortons yet which is a touch annoying so I’ll have to ask about that too.

Gotta go to work soon! Need to make supper.

One step at a time…

I really hope things have finally settled themselves out and that things are going to be for the better seeing that the past few months haven’t exactly benefited me in any major way.

I managed to find myself a second job (finally) at Tim Hortons which is pretty cool. I get to work with a co-workers (Amanda from Wal-mart) Mom (Therese) at the same store which is nice; always good to see a friendly, familiar face. What else? I’m awfully tired lately and not entirely sure why. I woke up fairly early this morning (around 1:30AM) to the huge, unnerving nausea. It appeared once again around 9:30AM when I woke up again. I decided to lay down for a few hours in hopes that things would settle and go away. I haven’t really been in the mood to post on here for the sheer fact that I don’t have anything all that exciting to talk about.

What else? I’ve been reading up on some astrology and a few things that have crept up are pretty interesting in the means of how Aquarians view relationships, sexual relationships and the like. Made me kinda laugh as to how deadly close it was in reference to me.

Anyway, I have to get my stuff together, early morning.